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Let go of that grudge

28 May 2021
Young traveler taking photo at mt cook famaus destination in new zealand

With the end of another year in sight, now’s the time to determine what emotional baggage it truly worth carrying through to 2020.
Words Dr John Demartini

Just like the notorious feuds between Joan Crawford and Bette Davis, Taylor Swift and Katie Perry, when the actions or words of another are perceived as hurtful, such perceptions can initiate feelings of anger, sadness and disappointment.

Getting angry is one thing, but dwelling on those so-called hurtful events can lead to a cascade of concomitant emotions, such as bitterness, resentment or even holding a grudge. It may seem like those partly self-imposed painful feelings are here to stay, but it is possible to loosen their grip and neutralise their impact.

Resentments or grudges can occur through interactions with others in any area of our life – financial, vocational, familial, social, physical, spiritual or mental, and are based upon the perception that an individual has displayed behaviour that you perceive has challenged your highest values or priorities. You then unwisely assume that it has ‘caused’ you more pain than pleasure, more loss than gain, more negatives than positives, or more disadvantages than advantages. As a result, you can form a grudge that can linger irrespective of time.

The longer this resentment remains, the more it can initiate ungoverned subconsciously induced behaviours, such as seeking anything associated with its opposite or avoiding anything associated with the initial resented behaviour. This is because anything you resent will occupy space and time in your mind and will run your life, until you dissolve or rebalance its underlying misperceptions and re-experience a more meaningful state in which you feel appreciation and love.

When you hold onto resentment it is stored in what has been called your subconscious mind and/or subcortical brain physiology, both electronically and electrochemically. It also initiates epigenetic changes in your gene expression, which results in physical symptomatology designed to awaken you to the original imbalanced perception that you now resent or have a grudge about.

The good news is that once these feelings have been neutralised through deeper reflection and answering intuitively guided questions, it will balance out your mind’s inherent neutral love equation and you will be able to dissolve resentments and grudges.

Here are some questions and methods you can use to initiate this process:

  1. Identify what the grudge is about.
    What specific trait, action or inaction (behaviour) do you perceive this individual has displayed or demonstrated that you resent most?
  2. Ask yourself where and when you have done the same or similar action.
    Go to a moment, when you have perceived yourself displaying this same or similar trait, action or inaction (behaviour). Whatever behaviour you perceive in others and react to, reflects an action you have demonstrated but have become too proud within to admit it.
  3. Imbalanced perceptions can keep the grudge alive.
    It’s not what happens to you that matters as much as how you perceive it and what you decide to do with it.
  4. Have a look at where the grudge may have benefited you.
    This serves to clear any shame or guilt that may be lingering from the past, which is one of the reasons you reacted and resented the behaviour demonstrated by this individual – since it reminded you of your own action that you have not balanced out and still carry around as shame or guilt.
  5. There are two sides to the coin.
    Go to a moment where this same individual has displayed the exact opposite behaviour to the one you resented initially. By discovering moments where and when they acted out the opposite behaviour you realise that no one, and no situation, is ever one-sided. In this way you can dissolve biased labels you may have projected on to them.
  6. The unconscious becomes conscious.
    When you resent someone, you are conscious of the negatives and unconscious of the positives. When you discover the complementary opposite behaviour, you become fully conscious and intuitively awaken the unconscious. This liberates you from the grudge and so-called resented memory.

By prioritising your daily actions, you can begin filling your day with the highest priorities and most meaningful actions. This elevates your own self-worth and reduces your emotional reactions, which lead you to ever wiser daily actions. You become the master of your destiny and not a victim of your history, and you’ll be less vulnerable to resentments, fantasies and grudges.

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